2020: How long to play dead in order to stay alive?

Throughout this batshit crazy year, during idle moments, I began collecting headlines that caught my fancy. Reckon there might be an amazing poem in here somewhere:

Apparently Spiders Are Becoming Violent Because of Climate Change
Humans forced to hide from sex addicted monkeys who set up HQ in disused cinema
Weird caterpillar uses its old heads to make an elaborate hat
Murder Hornets Are Now In The U.S.: Should You Be Afraid?
Army of 100,000 Chinese Ducks Ready to Fight Locust Plague
Shorewood attorney accused of spitting on teen wants to apologise for her actions, enters not guilty plea
Astronomers Have Located The Centre of The Solar System to Within 100 Metres
Hair from ghostly bears reveals new genetic secrets
Facebook says threat to throw gay people to their deaths does not violate its standards.
Protestors Say Tear Gas Caused Them to Get Their Period Multiple Times in a Month
Taiwan’s first ‘pretend to go abroad’ tour takes off with fake flight
Stubborn peacock claims entrance to Victoria apartment as mating ground, refuses to leave
Headless Sea Lions Are Washing Up in British Columbia
A Dissolvable Miniature Origami Robot That Folds Itself, Walks, Swims, Carries, Digs, and Climbs
How long to play dead in order to stay alive?
How to Dodge the Sonic Weapon Used by Police
Bacteria with a metal diet discovered in dirty glassware
Trump’s New Favourite COVID Doctor Believes in Alien DNA, Demon Sperm, and Hydroxychloroquine
Deep sea microbes dormant for 100 million years are hungry and ready to multiply
Mystery of snails with iron shells that survive inside white-hot volcanoes
Strange Meteorites Found Across Earth Revealed as Fragments of The Same Baby Planet
Fox found with an impressive shoe collection
Instacart shoppers besieged by bots that snatch lucrative orders
Americans are planting mystery seeds the government has warned against
Therapy llama ‘Caesar the No Drama Llama’ calms tensions at protests
German nudist chases wild boar that stole laptop
Mystery ancestor mated with ancient humans. And its ‘nested’ DNA was just found
Secret Nazi Base Just Found All the Way In The Arctic
Aliens Will Have to Accept Christ to Enter Heaven Warns Christian Conservative Texas Lawmaker, If They Exist
Painting Eyes on Cow Butts Could Save Cattle and Lion Lives
The future may be full of fire tornadoes
Florida is going to release 750 million mosquitoes genetically engineered to decimate the mosquito population
‘Zombie Fires’ May Have Sparked Record High Carbon Emissions in the Arctic
Flowers Are Changing Colour in Response to Climate Change
Experimental COVID-19 treatment given to Trump found to relieve symptoms in macaques and hamsters
Animals Keep Evolving Into Crabs, Which Is Somewhat Disturbing
Gay male penguin couple steals unhatched eggs from lesbian penguin couple
Researchers Working to Prevent Skin-Eating Fungus From Decimating Salamander Populations
Robotic ‘Monster Wolf’ Protects Japanese Town From Bears
Vatican asks Instagram how pope’s account liked photo of Brazilian model
Attaching Damaged Lungs to Pigs Can Heal Them, Experiment Shows
Human-Made Materials Now Weigh More Than All Life on Earth Combined

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